So the game starts,
you break my heart,
then you move on,
and my soul is gone,
my life is in vain,
but you want to cause more pain,
the finish line in sight,
I cry with all my might,
you win the game,
I feel that I'm to blame,
you laugh, I cry,
and then I die.
~~~~
Oh my...I wrote this when I was 15. I recently came across the old site I was a member of (www.zenhex.com) and found my old account. This was one of my better expressions of classic teen angst. I sort of feel old now considering this was written nearly six years ago ._. ...I hope you enjoy a glimpse of the angst that was the teenage me. I really find it amusing, I thought the world was over because one guy was a mild jerk, and high school was hard. Now here I am nearly 21, and though life has changed, it still has its trials, but after reading through all of my old poems (about how my broken heart would never mend, and traitorous friends would change me forever) I realize how small my world really was. Neither the guys I briefly dated in high school (so brief, they don't technically count (no more than a week), nor the friends who left me behind (though really, who needs friends like that, or as with most [not saying all] high school relationships, superficial 'relationships' of weeklong 'lovers'.
Maybe it is the fact that I have matured, and not every little thing is the end of the world. Maybe it is because I have experienced worst in the last two years that my worst dilemmas are almost rendered meaningless in comparison. Perhaps they made me stronger, and as such they no longer bind me within the 'depths of despair', as I had once dramatically phrased it. Whatever the reason, I am filled with nostalgia, and I have realized the changes I have underwent since then. Although, I cannot help but wonder, what I will think of my current poems 6 years from now when I am 27, and how I will reflect upon the undergraduate stage of my early twenties. An interesting thought really, on how quickly time does pass us by; and we make changes we hardly notice, yet affect us so profoundly.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Time
Time transcends barriers that we cannot see
It leaves us for a moment in untamed rules
The span of age's remains tied in the mind
We are only allowed a glimpse at what was
And we are forbidden to see what is to come
The present unravels before us
Yet we take it for granted as merely a glimpse
In an instant, years may pass
And too soon we find ourselves changed
No longer the picture of youth
Our memories tie us to an almost forgotten world
Changes so small, change us forever
Yet change itself is ever changing in time
We often rush ahead, eager to leave the past behind
And in doing so we lost the present, the moment, life
Or we live in a state of fear and worry over the future to come
That too will waste away at your soul
Time cannot be altered, the past cannot be changed
Time cannot be influenced, only in the now do we shape the future
In time we too, will be but memories to the world
Forever in salvation, we will become one with time
Enjoy life as you live it, do not regret the past, nor fear the future
Time waits for no one, and it will continue on its course
So let us live this day for what it is, a gift from above
And let us travel along with time
It leaves us for a moment in untamed rules
The span of age's remains tied in the mind
We are only allowed a glimpse at what was
And we are forbidden to see what is to come
The present unravels before us
Yet we take it for granted as merely a glimpse
In an instant, years may pass
And too soon we find ourselves changed
No longer the picture of youth
Our memories tie us to an almost forgotten world
Changes so small, change us forever
Yet change itself is ever changing in time
We often rush ahead, eager to leave the past behind
And in doing so we lost the present, the moment, life
Or we live in a state of fear and worry over the future to come
That too will waste away at your soul
Time cannot be altered, the past cannot be changed
Time cannot be influenced, only in the now do we shape the future
In time we too, will be but memories to the world
Forever in salvation, we will become one with time
Enjoy life as you live it, do not regret the past, nor fear the future
Time waits for no one, and it will continue on its course
So let us live this day for what it is, a gift from above
And let us travel along with time
Novel Idea
Time and Trace Memories
by ~Spring-SoliloquyWhere did all the time go? This is a question many ask themselves throughout life. Some hope for an answer, or a way to get it back. Others ask for solutions, methods to use time wisely. Many long for the blissful days of playing dolls and make believe, while others aim to make the most of the time they have left. Regardless of their motivation, time will remain elusive as it continues on, a man-made construction that maps the changes in our lives. From the small changes that effect us without knowing, slowly shaping us, as we travel through time, to the large ones that shake our world right down to its very foundation, changes that can either make or break us. Time will reveal many paths in life, many road blocks too, but it is up to the travellers to decide which path to take and where it will take them.
~~~~
This question has come to my mind many times in my life thus far, and each time it has meant something new and someone something more significant than the last. A disturbing notion also seems to surface as a result of this question, the realization of memories becoming vague as I age, the stories behind the lessons learned slowly slipping away. These thoughts haunted me, until the idea of writing down these stories came to mind, detailing the days of my youth and sharing the lessons that I learned, the changes that I made. The story of who I am today.
This person is neither easy to define, nor difficult to explain, I'm simply the product of life and time, merging to create existence. The details encompass mistakes and good choices, lessons learned and character flaws. The story of my days may take dark turns, but I will remember to write about the light too. The rays that penetrated the shadows and healed the wounds of past hurt, cleared the horizon from my confusion, and helped me find my way when all hope was lost. This is the story of my life, perfectly imperfect and written from the heart before time lets it slip away, as I travel along within its grasp.
On the Past that Held Me There
I'll tell you what I used to be, I used to be so scared
I sat alone in fearful watch, as the world weighed down on me
With watchful eyes you criticized, each tear became a flaw
Emotions I could no longer show, and I threw away the key
Temptation pulled me closer, and freedom called my name
But the watcher's blocked out its voice, and told me what to think
I found that I could no longer breathe, and I let darkness take me in
Memories came upon me, and I found myself a lie
A tragic tale of broken dreams, and hiding from the past
Justice lost, my voice was stolen, and it took away my pride
I realized what I had become, not even a reflection of myself
A mask was worn to hide the pain, to hide my former life
Each day now my prison cell, escape seemed void to me
I let the darkness take control, and it took away my name
I turned my back on hope, and in freedom I could no longer believe
Until the truth came breaking in, and it broke away the chains
It held me close, and I recognized the mistakes that fear had made
The darkness tried to pull me back, into a world of shameful pain
But I could see the light was stronger, and at last I was set free
To live the life I was meant to live, to be the one only I could be
Their watchful eyes still criticize, now with envy rather than hate
I had found the path I was meant to walk, the fear I left behind
In judging eyes I was nearly lost, in acceptance I was freed
I found the key I had once lost,and tossed away the mask
I finally embraced the freedom that had been there from the start
The freedom that was me
I sat alone in fearful watch, as the world weighed down on me
With watchful eyes you criticized, each tear became a flaw
Emotions I could no longer show, and I threw away the key
Temptation pulled me closer, and freedom called my name
But the watcher's blocked out its voice, and told me what to think
I found that I could no longer breathe, and I let darkness take me in
Memories came upon me, and I found myself a lie
A tragic tale of broken dreams, and hiding from the past
Justice lost, my voice was stolen, and it took away my pride
I realized what I had become, not even a reflection of myself
A mask was worn to hide the pain, to hide my former life
Each day now my prison cell, escape seemed void to me
I let the darkness take control, and it took away my name
I turned my back on hope, and in freedom I could no longer believe
Until the truth came breaking in, and it broke away the chains
It held me close, and I recognized the mistakes that fear had made
The darkness tried to pull me back, into a world of shameful pain
But I could see the light was stronger, and at last I was set free
To live the life I was meant to live, to be the one only I could be
Their watchful eyes still criticize, now with envy rather than hate
I had found the path I was meant to walk, the fear I left behind
In judging eyes I was nearly lost, in acceptance I was freed
I found the key I had once lost,and tossed away the mask
I finally embraced the freedom that had been there from the start
The freedom that was me
The End
The sun shone brightly, on a shadowed horizon
The place where the past broke the present
The place where the future turned black
Lost in an endless cycle and a final breath
The fallen angel made a plea for a soul
Even though she was unable to save her own
But her light could not reach an already poisoned heart
The reflection now shattered, as time soon elapsed
The moment of forever, now twisted in strife
Despair like no other, a forgotten regret
Wreaked havoc on a soul that was too weak to breathe
And lost within her memories, a tearful fare well.
She'll walk with her forever, in requiem's lullaby.
The place where the past broke the present
The place where the future turned black
Lost in an endless cycle and a final breath
The fallen angel made a plea for a soul
Even though she was unable to save her own
But her light could not reach an already poisoned heart
The reflection now shattered, as time soon elapsed
The moment of forever, now twisted in strife
Despair like no other, a forgotten regret
Wreaked havoc on a soul that was too weak to breathe
And lost within her memories, a tearful fare well.
She'll walk with her forever, in requiem's lullaby.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
No Longer Anonymous
I have decided to no longer be an 'anonymous blogger' . Why? Well for two reasons. This is a free country, with freedom of speech, so why not say what I want. And two, I have told people about my blog, and linked it to my Twitter....So yeah... Oh and since my last post was a c/p of something from a while ago...I am no longer debating between writer/actor/lawyer. I am going back to what I wanted to straight out of high school in 2008, Journalism! Wow...that was three years ago...time does fly does it not? I almost feel old....
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Taken from my deviantART Account, A Self-Reflection
This was something I wrote a few months ago. I was asked what type of person I would describe myself as. So, here it is, my self reflection.
~~~~
If I asked myself what I'd honestly want to do with my life, ignoring financial influences, and not caring about what others have decided for me. I would honestly travel the world, and write about what I've seen. Or simply just write. I'd journey, and never stay in one place too long. But essentially, I would be doing what I've already been doing all of my life. And that's running away. Never facing the consequences, never stopping long to think through what I find wrong in life, my mistakes, my concerns, my fears, and my desires. And that's no way to live at all.
If I thought again, I'd take myself to the stage. A different person portrayed, each scene a new discovery. World renown and a household name. But even then, I'd still be doing what I have been doing all along. Wearing a mask, so that no one ever sees what I am truly feeling. Seeking attention, and acceptance, when I feel alone and ignored. And that isn't a way to live either.
I'd love to write, I'd love to act. Sing, or dance. Or maybe find a way to help all those I have come across, those who are just as lost as me. Reaching out for help. Waiting for an answer.
I can defend my beliefs, my friends, my family, my faith. I can stand up for same-sex marriage, and the rights of the unborn. Defend animals that cannot speak for themselves, and protect an environment from neglect and abuse. I would have my friends back in a second, and support my family through thick and thin. I'll be a shoulder to cry on, without ever expecting a thing in return. Yet, I haven't got to the point where I can embrace my life, and be all I want to be. People define me based on pre-conceived stereotypes, and general descriptions. They see a surface, yet refuse to go deeper. That’s the problem with society today, we judge only on what our eyes can see, and never stopping long enough to get to know the person behind our biased views. I too am guilty of this, yet a victim all the same. For instance the following:
I'm not an object like they treated me.
I'm not pathetic because I cry.
I'm not wrong because I disagree with you.
I'm not afraid when I walk away from a fight.
I'm not naive because I choose to forgive.
I'm not empty because I choose to keep things to myself.
I'm not broken because you hurt me.
I'm not faithless because I question.
I'm not dumb because I remain silent in class.
I'm not lazy because I choose to stay in.
Nor am I anti-social for wanting time to myself.
I may be a dreamer, but I stay grounded in reality.
I stand by my beliefs, but that doesn’t mean I’m not humble.
And I have come to realize that I won't sink, if I stop to think.
And if friends walk away, then they weren't friends to begin with.
Family will support me, no matter what I choose.
And really although I like to spend, money isn't that important to me.
I am a writer, an actor, and a friend. I'm sister, a cousin, a daughter, and a niece. I'm a grand-daughter and great grand-daughter too. I'm a stranger who wants to help, to change a world that needs saving. I'm animal lover, health fanatic, and a germaphobe. I also enjoy the News. I'm eccentric, Catholic, conservative too. And I think we need to start helping others in the world, instead of just feeding our own greed. I’m a Leafs fan, but I love the Penguins too. I play golf, badminton, volleyball, and skate. I've attempted hockey, but I'm really not that great. I love music and dance, as well as; Theatre, and the arts. I help when I can; I study when I want too. I know how to have good time, and I'm tired of feeling bad because I do.
I may be stubborn, and opinionated. And I always need the last word in an argument. I fear a few things, a bit too many to list. But, I can be brave when it counts. I hate being in hospitals, and I'm not too fond of being alone. I love and I hurt, just like everyone else. And at times life is a bit too much, and it becomes difficult to manage, but I will never let that stop me. I'll be the first to admit, that I can hold a grudge. But once an apology is heard I forgive, and sometimes I don't even need one, because I'm not hateful by nature. I can be difficult to deal with, but really who isn't at one point or another? I can also be a b*tch, but aren't we all some days? We all have flaws, and instead of beating ourselves up for it..we should just accept that we are only human.
I've made my mistakes, and I've learned from them too. Everything happens for a reason, and I honestly believe that there are some things we can only learn once we have reached rock bottom.
I've survived one of my worst fears, and overcame a discomfort. I donate blood every two months, and I'm really not a meat person. Oh, and I definitely support our troops I want to celebrate my birthday for the first time in years. I want to lose weight, not to fit an image, but to be healthy and avoid the heart disease that has plagued some of my relatives. I want a new wardrobe, and queen sized bed. I'm not ashamed that this seems selfish; it’s only natural to have wants.
I want to take a leap of faith, make a jump, and take a risk. I want to live life to the fullest, be the me I've always wanted to be.
I want to tell others to treat me better, tell my dreams to those who disapprove. I want to show the world my potential. Show everyone that a quiet, small town girl can do great things too.
Some may reject this; tell me I'm being selfish, even impure. They'll tell me that I'm wrong, and some may even walk away. But you know what, who cares. If they did care, they'd stick around. I'm free to make my own decisions, my own mistakes, and my own path.
This is simply me in a nutshell, summarized for an online account. I'm finally going to show the world who I truly am. Without doubt, without fear, and with all that I've got. God granted me this life, my gifts, and my freedom. It's time I appreciate the gift given to me long ago.
No more hiding behind a mask, taking each hit in silence. No more running away from the truth.
I could be actor, not to hide, but because I love to act. I could be writer, not run, but because my mind is full of ideas. I could be a lawyer, not because that's what I'm told to do, but because I want to fight for justice.
Whatever I end up doing in life, I'll do it all for me. I know how to control myself, but it’s about time I stop living in fear. I am me, the only me that I can be. And frankly it’s about time I live my life for myself, and be the person I have the potential to become.
~~~~
If I asked myself what I'd honestly want to do with my life, ignoring financial influences, and not caring about what others have decided for me. I would honestly travel the world, and write about what I've seen. Or simply just write. I'd journey, and never stay in one place too long. But essentially, I would be doing what I've already been doing all of my life. And that's running away. Never facing the consequences, never stopping long to think through what I find wrong in life, my mistakes, my concerns, my fears, and my desires. And that's no way to live at all.
If I thought again, I'd take myself to the stage. A different person portrayed, each scene a new discovery. World renown and a household name. But even then, I'd still be doing what I have been doing all along. Wearing a mask, so that no one ever sees what I am truly feeling. Seeking attention, and acceptance, when I feel alone and ignored. And that isn't a way to live either.
I'd love to write, I'd love to act. Sing, or dance. Or maybe find a way to help all those I have come across, those who are just as lost as me. Reaching out for help. Waiting for an answer.
I can defend my beliefs, my friends, my family, my faith. I can stand up for same-sex marriage, and the rights of the unborn. Defend animals that cannot speak for themselves, and protect an environment from neglect and abuse. I would have my friends back in a second, and support my family through thick and thin. I'll be a shoulder to cry on, without ever expecting a thing in return. Yet, I haven't got to the point where I can embrace my life, and be all I want to be. People define me based on pre-conceived stereotypes, and general descriptions. They see a surface, yet refuse to go deeper. That’s the problem with society today, we judge only on what our eyes can see, and never stopping long enough to get to know the person behind our biased views. I too am guilty of this, yet a victim all the same. For instance the following:
I'm not an object like they treated me.
I'm not pathetic because I cry.
I'm not wrong because I disagree with you.
I'm not afraid when I walk away from a fight.
I'm not naive because I choose to forgive.
I'm not empty because I choose to keep things to myself.
I'm not broken because you hurt me.
I'm not faithless because I question.
I'm not dumb because I remain silent in class.
I'm not lazy because I choose to stay in.
Nor am I anti-social for wanting time to myself.
I may be a dreamer, but I stay grounded in reality.
I stand by my beliefs, but that doesn’t mean I’m not humble.
And I have come to realize that I won't sink, if I stop to think.
And if friends walk away, then they weren't friends to begin with.
Family will support me, no matter what I choose.
And really although I like to spend, money isn't that important to me.
I am a writer, an actor, and a friend. I'm sister, a cousin, a daughter, and a niece. I'm a grand-daughter and great grand-daughter too. I'm a stranger who wants to help, to change a world that needs saving. I'm animal lover, health fanatic, and a germaphobe. I also enjoy the News. I'm eccentric, Catholic, conservative too. And I think we need to start helping others in the world, instead of just feeding our own greed. I’m a Leafs fan, but I love the Penguins too. I play golf, badminton, volleyball, and skate. I've attempted hockey, but I'm really not that great. I love music and dance, as well as; Theatre, and the arts. I help when I can; I study when I want too. I know how to have good time, and I'm tired of feeling bad because I do.
I may be stubborn, and opinionated. And I always need the last word in an argument. I fear a few things, a bit too many to list. But, I can be brave when it counts. I hate being in hospitals, and I'm not too fond of being alone. I love and I hurt, just like everyone else. And at times life is a bit too much, and it becomes difficult to manage, but I will never let that stop me. I'll be the first to admit, that I can hold a grudge. But once an apology is heard I forgive, and sometimes I don't even need one, because I'm not hateful by nature. I can be difficult to deal with, but really who isn't at one point or another? I can also be a b*tch, but aren't we all some days? We all have flaws, and instead of beating ourselves up for it..we should just accept that we are only human.
I've made my mistakes, and I've learned from them too. Everything happens for a reason, and I honestly believe that there are some things we can only learn once we have reached rock bottom.
I've survived one of my worst fears, and overcame a discomfort. I donate blood every two months, and I'm really not a meat person. Oh, and I definitely support our troops I want to celebrate my birthday for the first time in years. I want to lose weight, not to fit an image, but to be healthy and avoid the heart disease that has plagued some of my relatives. I want a new wardrobe, and queen sized bed. I'm not ashamed that this seems selfish; it’s only natural to have wants.
I want to take a leap of faith, make a jump, and take a risk. I want to live life to the fullest, be the me I've always wanted to be.
I want to tell others to treat me better, tell my dreams to those who disapprove. I want to show the world my potential. Show everyone that a quiet, small town girl can do great things too.
Some may reject this; tell me I'm being selfish, even impure. They'll tell me that I'm wrong, and some may even walk away. But you know what, who cares. If they did care, they'd stick around. I'm free to make my own decisions, my own mistakes, and my own path.
This is simply me in a nutshell, summarized for an online account. I'm finally going to show the world who I truly am. Without doubt, without fear, and with all that I've got. God granted me this life, my gifts, and my freedom. It's time I appreciate the gift given to me long ago.
No more hiding behind a mask, taking each hit in silence. No more running away from the truth.
I could be actor, not to hide, but because I love to act. I could be writer, not run, but because my mind is full of ideas. I could be a lawyer, not because that's what I'm told to do, but because I want to fight for justice.
Whatever I end up doing in life, I'll do it all for me. I know how to control myself, but it’s about time I stop living in fear. I am me, the only me that I can be. And frankly it’s about time I live my life for myself, and be the person I have the potential to become.
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